Rich427
'69 Vert/'01 Vert/'04 Z16
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM #1
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Get someone to buy you another beer!
SYMPTOM #2
Feet cold and wet
CAUSE
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
SYMPTOM #3
Feet warm and wet
CAUSE
Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
SYMPTOM #4
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE
You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Have yourself leashed to bar
SYMPTOM #5
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE
You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION
See above
SYMPTOM #6
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
SYMPTOM #7
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE
You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Fall on someone cushy-looking
SYMPTOM #8
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE
You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
SYMPTOM #9
Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE
The beer is too week
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Drink more beer until your voice improves
SYMPTOM #10
Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE
Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Play the air guitar!
SYMPTOM #11
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE
You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
SYMPTOM #12
Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE
Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run!
SYMPTOM #13
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
SYMPTOM #14
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE
You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM #15
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the Navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Sleep it off, and hope you can get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
SYMPTOM #1
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Get someone to buy you another beer!
SYMPTOM #2
Feet cold and wet
CAUSE
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
SYMPTOM #3
Feet warm and wet
CAUSE
Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
SYMPTOM #4
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE
You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Have yourself leashed to bar
SYMPTOM #5
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE
You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION
See above
SYMPTOM #6
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
SYMPTOM #7
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE
You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Fall on someone cushy-looking
SYMPTOM #8
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE
You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
SYMPTOM #9
Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE
The beer is too week
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Drink more beer until your voice improves
SYMPTOM #10
Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE
Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Play the air guitar!
SYMPTOM #11
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE
You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
SYMPTOM #12
Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE
Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run!
SYMPTOM #13
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
SYMPTOM #14
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE
You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
SYMPTOM #15
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the Navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Sleep it off, and hope you can get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
